Thursday, October 30, 2008

This isn't fair

I've only had five months free from the depression and it's back again, much quicker than before, too. Usually I have two or three months of slowly getting worse before I want to be dead.

The day after I was in hospital the anxiety started. It's a horrible feeling. I'm totally panicky about everything, I don't feel that I can do anything or make any decisions. It's paralysing. I'm so scared I feel sick, I'm visibly shaking a lot of the time. I thought that it was just nerves about the holiday, because I hadn't been on any long flights before or something, and I'm terrified of meeting new people. I was wrong.
It carried on for the first few days we were away then seemed to stop. I thought maybe it was because I was relaxing, but then it came back. I felt that I couldn't do anything right. It's so tiring to second, third, fourth, fifth guess yourself on everything you say and do.

Now it's getting even worse. The anxiety is still here, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, my brain won't stop. I feel like I've let down everyone I know. I keep thinking about cutting myself - I used to, and I remember the feeling of release.

I want everything to stop.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Cut Off

I think the depression is coming back.

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. The glass wall is back up, cutting me off from everything around me.
Either I am real and everything else isn't, or I'm the illusion - I think that's probably the case.

I don't care about samba. I don't care that it's Halloween soon, and Christmas after that. I have a work night out soon and I don't want to go. I'll just be in everyone's way, stopping them having fun. That's what I do. People always have more fun when I'm not there.