Thursday, October 30, 2008

This isn't fair

I've only had five months free from the depression and it's back again, much quicker than before, too. Usually I have two or three months of slowly getting worse before I want to be dead.

The day after I was in hospital the anxiety started. It's a horrible feeling. I'm totally panicky about everything, I don't feel that I can do anything or make any decisions. It's paralysing. I'm so scared I feel sick, I'm visibly shaking a lot of the time. I thought that it was just nerves about the holiday, because I hadn't been on any long flights before or something, and I'm terrified of meeting new people. I was wrong.
It carried on for the first few days we were away then seemed to stop. I thought maybe it was because I was relaxing, but then it came back. I felt that I couldn't do anything right. It's so tiring to second, third, fourth, fifth guess yourself on everything you say and do.

Now it's getting even worse. The anxiety is still here, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, my brain won't stop. I feel like I've let down everyone I know. I keep thinking about cutting myself - I used to, and I remember the feeling of release.

I want everything to stop.



At 1:15 am, Blogger Tah said...

I'm sorry, MM. I wish there was more I could do for you, as I'm sure all your friends do.

Never hesitate to contact me if you need to.

At 5:58 am, Blogger Shawna said...

Ditto what Tah said. I hurt for you, hon. I wish I could do or say something to help. All I can offer is *bigbighugs* and tell you that you can call me anytime.

At 7:38 pm, Blogger Nettie said...

*bigbighugs* too.
We're all here for you babe.

At 7:33 pm, Blogger hulitoons said...

Mouse, I looked down through your other entries and their dates... I may be wrong about what I see, but I feel as though at least a couple things may be happening. During the warmer months you appear happier, more settled. The things you appear to be doing are more short-noticed and not long-term planning. If I'm right, it's possible that the anticipation and excitement of ventures involving long-term planning might be causing a kind of overload mentally and adrenalin flushing. There's just too much going on around you, too much stimulation, and then your mind and emotions crash, while your physical body is still pressed to action.

I understand the 'cutting' release mechanism too, but I think there may be better ways to exhaust your body enough that your brain also settles down. Is there a physical activity that you enjoy and that you can do until you are 'painfully' exhausted?

It's heartbreaking to hear you are feeling so very bleak....



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