Tuesday, August 28, 2007

My brain doesn't work

I thought a lot about whether to write this post. I don't talk to many people about my feelings and my fears.
However, I came to the conclusion that maybe talking about this might help. To be honest, I don't think that it could make me feel any worse.

I've been treated for depression a couple of times in the past, and I think it's time I went back to the doctor. I've been having ups and downs over the last eighteen months or so, but I've got to the point where I can't carry on like this.
I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm terrified about the future - I've got to the point where I don't think that things are ever going to get any better, that I'm never going to have the life I want. I just want a nice house and the chance to have children, but I don't see it happening.
We have to move house soon, and the thought of choosing a new flat and actually packing everything up is paralysing.

I feel anxious all the time. There's nothing in particular at work to cause worry, but I'm on edge the whole time I'm there. I'm not sleeping, I have nightmares, I have headaches almost all the time. I enjoy very few things, I can't look forward to anything - I really didn't care that it was my birthday last week, I couldn't get excited about Christmas last year.

I've spent very little time with friends recently. I think that they're going to see the me that I see, the me who can't understand how other people think or be most of the time. It feels like I'm watching people through a big sheet of glass. Every time I meet up with my friends, I'm expecting that they're not going to like me any more, mainly because I don't like me.

I feel so fucking stupid and self-indulgent writing this, but what the hell. Like I said, I couldn't feel much worse.



At 12:14 am, Blogger MadCarlotta said...

Oh sweetie!


I can completely relate, namely because that is much how I myself have felt lately.

Just remember that life is cyclical. Things WILL get better, and oftentimes it's the most difficult periods of change that foreshadow the best of times to come.

And if you need help getting through the dark, don't hesitate a moment in reaching out for it.

You can always message me too, but I can't give you pills :)

At 5:25 am, Blogger Tah said...

*BIG HUGS* (too)

You've been through it before so you obvious know what it's like. Please do go get whatever help you need to in order to get through this rough patch.

Like MC said, things will get better. And there are lots of us around who will be happy to help as much as we can.

At 10:18 am, Blogger Nettie said...


I've already told you that I think it's a good idea for you to go back to your doc and explore your options again.
But I also think it's a good idea to talk about it, so this post is in no way self indulgent or stupid. There seems to be lots of people in our little group who are or have been going through a similar thing and so who better to get support from than people who can empathise.

Now I'm just going to pop off an email to you to arrange a time for a phone call from down under!
Love you babe!

At 10:55 am, Blogger Smerk said...

*hugs* I can't really add anything much to what's already been said. I think it probably helps that you've realised the problem and that you know what the next steps are.

At 10:13 am, Blogger LaMa said...

* hug *

Nettie sums it up very well. Several people here who know first hand what you describe. And indeed, it is not self-indulgent. It is good to vent these things, it can help. And we understand. (plus, it's your blog isn't it?).

Go talk to your docter. See what can be done not only with medication, but with other things if necessary. Ranging from simple lessons in relaxation exercises to counselling if necessary. And I don't know if you are a very sporty type, but physical exercise helps.

The glass wall phenomena you describe is one I know particularly well, by the way.

At 12:40 pm, Blogger Transfrmr said...

*massive hugliness*

Aww Mouse, it doesn't sound silly at all. Everyone else has said things so well, that there really isn't much to add.

I've been down into the pits, and climbed back out, not entirely without the aid of medical science. Looking back, I wish I had talked about it more then, but at the time it also seemed to me that there was no-one to talk to and if I did talk to those around me it would just scare them away.

Thinkin of ya!

At 2:12 pm, Blogger oppiejoe said...

I think you caught it from me Mouse...


I sometimes listen to the Nine Inch Nails song "Right where it belongs" when I am feeling like you described... and it kind of helps me think about how I can facilitate change in my life. You recognize that there is something(s) bothering you and that is a good thing... getting help is the next move. Don't be ashamed of needing meds or counseling (and you don't need to share that with anyone outside your personal circle anyhow).

Finally... you can see how the people you have chatted with online have reacted (with love and compassion)... we care about you.

"Right Where It Belongs" Nine Inch Nails

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees


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